The Way You Love Might Be Running Your Finances
- Elsie loveandfinance
- Jul 12
- 4 min read
Money doesn't live in a spreadsheet. It lives in your nervous system, your relationships, your memories, and your body.
At Love & Money, I help women move beyond budgets and start listening to the emotional undercurrents that shape how they earn, spend, give, save, or avoid. Because most money struggles aren’t really about the money. They’re about patterns.
Patterns you learned in love.Patterns you learned to survive.Patterns that are running the show, even when you know better.
So today, let’s talk about one of the most overlooked truths in personal finance:
The way you do money is often the way you’ve done love.
What Are Relationship Patterns?
Relationship patterns are the emotional scripts we carry about how to feel safe, seen, needed, or worthy.
They shape:
How we express needs
How we handle trust
What we expect (or don't) from others
How we perform or protect in order to stay connected
Most of us didn’t choose these patterns. We adapted them early, and they show up long after the original context is gone—including in our financial lives.
Why Your Money Habits Might Not Be “Bad”—They Might Be Familiar
Ever wonder why you:
Always pick up the bill, even when you’re tired or tight on cash?
Feel guilty spending on yourself, but give freely to others?
Avoid your finances until it becomes urgent?
Over-manage shared expenses in your relationship?
These aren’t just financial habits. These are emotional strategies. And they usually come from one place: your history with love, safety, and approval.
Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And that’s where the real transformation begins.
5 Love Patterns That Can Quietly Drive Your Financial Behavior
Let’s explore how emotional patterns in love can translate into your money story—and what to notice if you’re ready to lead yourself differently.
1. The Peacemaker: Saying Yes When You Mean No
If keeping the peace has always felt safer than speaking your truth, that habit may carry into your finances.
It might look like:
Spending on things you don’t actually want to avoid feeling like a “buzzkill”
Agreeing to plans or trips that stretch your budget
Feeling unable to set or express money boundaries in partnerships
This isn’t irresponsibility. It’s conflict-avoidance dressed up as generosity.
Reframe it:True peace comes from congruence, not compliance. Your “yes” holds power when your “no” is respected too.
2. The Fixer: Carrying More Than Your Share
If you tend to take responsibility for everyone else's emotional wellbeing, chances are you overextend financially too.
This might show up as:
Taking on debt to support others
Paying for things in silence to avoid discomfort
Doing the invisible labor of managing finances in a household or relationship
Reframe it:Stepping back is not abandonment. It’s trust. Trust in others to rise, and trust in yourself to hold your line.
3. The Invisible One: Disconnecting From Your Desires
If you learned early on to downplay your needs to stay safe or accepted, you may feel detached or unclear around your money.
You might:
Struggle to name your financial goals
Avoid thinking about your future because it feels too indulgent
Let others lead financial decisions, even when they don’t reflect your values
Reframe it:Desire isn’t selfish. It’s directional. When you give yourself permission to want, your clarity grows.
4. The Performer: Linking Worth to Productivity
If love and approval came through achievement, your money may be tied to constant performance.
You may:
Judge yourself by how much you earn
Feel unsafe resting or slowing down
Push for financial perfectionism, then burn out
Reframe it:Your value is not measured in output. Sustainable wealth includes nervous system regulation, rest, and enoughness.
5. The Romantic Idealist: Waiting for Rescue
If you were conditioned to believe that partnership would solve everything, you might delay or defer your financial agency.
It might look like:
Avoiding money management in hopes your partner will “handle it”
Feeling afraid to take up space in financial conversations
Holding off on financial planning until you’re in the “right” relationship
Reframe it:Support is beautiful. So is self-leadership. You’re allowed to be your own safety net.
What to Do When You See Yourself in These Patterns
First: exhale. Awareness is not shame—it’s power.
These patterns were brilliant adaptations. They kept you connected, protected, or loved in systems that didn’t always make space for your full expression.
Now, you get to choose differently.
Try These Small Self-Coaching Shifts:
1. Name the Pattern Out Loud“I notice I say yes when I want to say no. That feels like an old habit of people-pleasing.”
2. Choose a Micro-Shift“I will check my account this week without judgment. Just to see what’s there.”
3. Practice Emotional Boundaries“My financial clarity doesn’t depend on anyone else’s comfort. I’m allowed to want different things.”
4. Use Money as a MirrorAsk: What is this spending/saving/avoiding behavior trying to protect? Is there a deeper need underneath it?
What Coaching Can Offer (That a Budget Can’t)
At Love & Money, I don’t give financial advice or create strategies for your accounts. That’s not what most women really need.
What they need is a space to:
Hear their own voice again
Untangle old emotional patterns from their present-day decisions
Feel seen without being sold to
Rebuild trust with themselves in small, consistent ways
That’s what coaching offers. A mirror. A pause. A safe, shame-free container to become the woman you already are underneath the pattern.
Final Thought
You don’t need to do more, earn more, or “get it together” before you’re worthy of financial clarity.
You are not behind. You are not broken.You’re simply bumping into old relational patterns, now showing up in your bank account.
And you have the power to choose a new story.
Let this be your first act of reclamation: noticing.Let your next act be one of self-respect.
Because your money isn’t just about numbers. It’s about how you love yourself—and how you're willing to lead from here.
Want support exploring these patterns?
I offer 1:1 coaching for women who are ready to build clarity, calm, and confidence in their financial lives—without shame, spreadsheets, or pressure.
We start with the emotional patterns.We listen for the story underneath.And we build a new rhythm—one that feels aligned, sustainable, and true.
Let’s begin.
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